I remember loving you now.

I fell in love with radio and then it faded. Not the signal. That did not fade. The passionate love did. That beginning love. Run around a new city at night hand-in-hand smiling and laughing and kissing love. It ran hard then got tired. Faded. Leaning over, hands on my knees, catching my breath, tired.

Then I heard this. Everyone should listen to this: Ghetto Life 101.

I knew I loved you, radio. It’s still there.

Same goes for Death Cab for Cutie.

That simple video. Those lyrics. That wandery sound you put in my walk around this city I’m sure I’ve ruined.

I remember loving you now.

I never truly loved Anthony Bourdain. But I ache thinking of the depth of darkness that overpowered the love he felt. Because—goddammit—he was loved. And I never loved cooking, but this article makes me feel I should. Maybe it would help certain flavors of lonely.

A placemat in Paris asked us our favorite poem. Poems! Poetry! I forgot about poetry. I used to love you. I read a poem every night. Some mornings. This poem has shaken us both to the core and that day in Paris—and today—it is my favorite.

My Poem About Last Sounds.

Thank you, Prageeta.

Oh, blahgging. What a weird memory. Sitting down. Randomly contributing. Instead of consuming and consuming and consuming and consuming and consuming and contributing and repeating.

The irrelevance of this sentence and the dozens before is refreshing. I remember I love you now.

But it wouldn’t be a true blahg post without…

regal_swazetitties

Y’all like my new pillows?

Ahh, there she is… in those horrid Photo Booth selfies.

[there she is.]

03: Mr. Marfa Shuffle

This episode has been on iTunes and the like for weeks, but I want to make sure I keep up on this here blahg.

I hope you’re listening along to the Wull Hay Podcasts! If you have any feedback, you probably know where to reach me.

This episode is a vignette of Marfa, Texas and my incredible week there.

Listen on iTunesLibsyn, or Stitcher.

I’m still trying to figure out what my podcast looks like beyond this site. And if this site is going to be anything without the podcast. So thanks for your patience. Thanks for being here.

[xxo.]

then we fall.

This Fall. This year.

It does feel like falling. Or jumping. Or closing. Or opening.

This weekend, I went with Evan to our plot in the community garden—a last-ditch effort for half-assed farmers. We harvested. It was a mess. A muddy, sad, overgrown, viney mess… with much to harvest, but another much to grieve.

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As I plucked off tomatillo after tomatillo, I asked Evan…

– Oh, man… is this garden a metaphor for our life?

– You mean, a lot of work in at the beginning and then we let it all go to shit?

We chuckled, but winced at the fear of the truth.

He was the first sunflower. I was the second.

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– Wait. Is that what’s happening?

– Probably not.

No. It’s not. Right?

Fall is just the time of finding things falling down. There’s this garden that you’ve made and it has incredible yields, but you’ve neglected and forgotten and avoided some the gems for so long.

But we won’t let that sadness take away from the juiciness of the newness, the fruits ripe for the picking. Vegetation—life—falling away from us, to reveal the brightness. The change. The breath of cool air that wakes us up. The beauty in finishing. The completeness of picking. It’s beautiful.

fall-13

I—after months and months—finally finished this book this weekend. I wept. I curled up on the couch and ugly cried—unabashedly wiping my nose on my sweatshirt. Completing. Done. This story—start to finish—a life—start to finish—cover to cover—done. Beautiful.

It was more than an article. More than an Instagram post. More than a film. More than a short story. A behemoth of a book—perfect to completion.

Things are finishing. Falling. Perfectly and imperfectly.

To toast to this, a playlist. Not a song. Not one video. [though, if it were one, it would be this one over and over.]

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From beginning to end. Then fall to begin.

[fall to begin.]

my favorite laugh.

When Evan finished his first semester of—official—nursing school, I did a little celebratory dance for the occasion.

And—of course—I watched the video over and over, because I’m addicted to that laugh. The beginning of this journey feels like so. long. ago. Because it’s been a really long journey—this whole Evan-in-Nursing-School thing. He has worked nights at a local restaurant to make it all work financially. He has pulled multiple all-nighter to study, write, and make it all work academically. He has been there for me as a husband, friend, and teammate. I’m amazed and impressed. And SO PROUD.

So for the end of his LAST semester in nursing school, I had an idea. On a trip with Allison, I told her about my idea to lip-synch a mutually beloved Drake song for Evan. Her response: “Well, obviously, I should do the Nicki Minaj part.” [this—and many more reasons—is why I love her so.] So we proceeded to have a weekend in Jackson where I relived my best middle school sleepovers and recorded MANY music videos. [the best. the funniest.]

So we went for it. And then we thought, “Maybe this would be even MORE fun if we asked some of Evan’s friends to participate.”

Evan was officially done with classes on Thursday and we were both just so ecstatic. Ev had to work Friday night, so I set it all up. I wrote on our chalkboard, “YOU DID IT!” I left him a card…

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…with a bottle of whisky. The card included the reference, “I want some whisky!” which was from the night Evan found out he was accepted to Montana State University’s accelerated nursing program. A bookend bottle of whisky. [note: that post ALSO includes a strong Drake reference.]

I tried to stay up and wait for Evan, surprise him with all this love and then surprise him with this video I had waiting.

But I fell asleep on the couch. And could not be awoken. It was a long day!

So the next morning, I was shakey and excited and nervous and just wanted to show Evan this video. This ah-mazing video that our friends made so incredible.

So we were drinking coffee and I said to Evan, “Ohhh noooo… shit! I just got some bad feedback on a video I’ve been working on for FIB.” [lies.] [also, FIB = First Interstate Bank… a regular client.]

He was bummed for me. [gotta love him.] I asked if he’d watch the video with me and tell me what he thought of it. He stopped working on bikes to gladly watch. I set up my computer to secretly record on the coffee table [black tape over the Photobooth light, brightness turned alllll the way down so the screen is black… you’re welcome].

Oh my goodness. That laugh. So much of that laugh. Worth all the late nights. All the hard weeks. All the shitty months. All the alone togetherness. All the tears. Worth it.

I love it. I love him. I love this laugh. I love this video. Don’t even try to make me stop watching it thousands of times over.

[and all I can say is…]

things that gave me life this week…

This episode of This American Life:

But—moreso—the in-credible photos of Ira Glass as a child magician

• The new Arcade Fire songs, but mostly this one…

Some of the lyrics are a little too real, but I’ll let it slide…

“God, make me famous… If you can’t, just make it painless.”

“It goes on and on, I don’t know what I want. On and on, I don’t know if I want it.”

The Standups on Netflix.

Okay, mostly the Nate Bargatze one [would/will watch this episode a hundred times in a row].

Okay, also the Fortune Feimster’s episode [already watched it twice.]

Also recommended:

• Writing workshops with Thunderhead Collective.

Though you might end up crying on the floor… on purpose… and love it.

• A casual two and a half hour phone conversation with your best friend.

NBD.

[that’s all I got for this here blahg.]

 

uh-oh.

I read (heard?) somewhere recently that couples who don’t post gushing stories/photos of their significant others are way more successful in love… actually a lot happier.

Well… we’re screwed.

Last night, I put up a new profile picture on Facebook. The fact that I wrote that last sentence down kind of hurts my heart in a weird way. I’m not even exactly sure why.

But the photo—the photo—makes my heart so happy.

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Somehow we don’t look tired from everything. Somehow I look shorter. Somehow our love shines through, purely. You don’t see the stress of finances. You don’t see the clothes all over the floor. You don’t see the ships-passing-in-the-night schedules. You don’t see the actual ugly arguments over card games. You see the kitchen dance moves. You see the late night laughs. You see the morning walks. You see the genuine gratitude for this love.

Because we find that gratitude constantly. It is hiding sometimes. It hides under piles of clothes, usually. They’re not in the hamper, because they’re not actually dirty.

So let me gush a little more. Because I’m in a sunbeam of this lovely gratitude for my husband and if I’m not usually one to half-ass something, so if social media says we’re already in trouble, let’s go balls to the wall.

———

The last year has been comically packed. And within it all, I convinced Evan to participate in something crazy:

And he did it. And I thought he might drown. But then he didn’t. And he somehow still loves me. And he wrote this story about it all: http://www.visitmt.com/campaign/montana-tv/the-picnic/favorite-playground.html

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I love it.

———

Through all of this craziness and all of this moving and movement, one of the brightest moments of happiness and love came right before August.

We moved to Bozeman. I convinced Evan we needed to move to Bozeman for this amazing job opportunity for me. He was pursing a nursing degree and getting into the Bozeman program was close to impossible. Only 16 applicants get in. We knew that we would probably have to part again, but we tried not to think about it. We moved to Bozeman. We forged on through uncertainty.

Evan was working late this night. I was screening a film of a friend’s. Watching. Taking notes.

Evan came home. We tiredly greeted each other as he made some food and sat at the table, tuning into his phone while I continued watching my computer. All of the sudden Evan stood up…

– Turn that movie off. Pause it.

– But this is the really good part!

– Pause it. You have to read this.

I begrudgingly got off the couch and stumbled over to Ev to grab his phone. My eyes scanned an email from Montana State University School of Nursing:

“Dear Evan,

It is our distinct pleasure to inform you that you have been selected…”

I screamed. I screamed and jumped on Evan the way the adorable women do in movies. Running. Jumping. Hugging. Wrapping their legs around the receiver of the hug. As a six-foot-tall woman, I do not usually get to running-jump on people and wrap my legs around them. It seems like I would have to give someone much notice before I did that, to avoid disaster. But somehow, this night, it was okay. It was amazing. We hugged and kissed and laughed and screamed more and celebrated.

Evan said…

– I want some whisky!

I grabbed our nicest bottle of whisky and poured us a couple glasses. Then I excitedly played this song louder than I should’ve at midnight…

[minus that weird minute-long record scratch of a skit.]

And we danced. And smiled. And celebrated. It was a lot like this…

…except Evan’s a man. And we were celebrating being able to live in the same town.

We finally let ourselves think of what would’ve happened if he hadn’t got in. We would’ve had to have lived apart. Again. And then we let ourselves think about how hard this program is. ONE OUT OF SIXTEEN SPOTS… out of over 400 applicants.

So proud. The best feeling. It was a moment up there with the moment Evan proposed. Just perfect.

———

Filled with gratitude for things you didn’t know you’d always had been asking for. Always.

Gushing.

Uh-oh.

[always.]

 

 

some much needed alicia keys.

It’s been a weird few weeks. That is being generous to the last month. A lot of it came to the saddest apex yesterday with layoffs at my job. I survived this first round. Some of my closest Bozeman friends did not survive the layoffs.

The tone today at work was sad/confused/dazed/sad/overwhelmed/dazed/sad.

I saw this video and immediately felt SO MUCH YES. I know that blahg posts like these are incredible irrelevant these days, because most of you will say, “yeah, I saw that on Facebook hours ago, wtf, this is useless.”

But I don’t care. THIS. This is exactly how I feel. About going forward. About the last month. About life. About dancing. About my friends. About love.

I watched it five times today.

I sent it to a friend who was laid-off yesterday and told her I was going to come to her house and do this. All of this. Now.

I sent it to my best friend in the world and she told me he reminded her of Evan and me dancing at our Wyoming wedding celebration. I smiled so big.

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I loved it. I love it.

[that is all.]