sixty-five percent water.

It’s been two weeks now and I had hoped to talk to you about something other than my accident.

The good news is that I’m looking good for a woman who tried to take out a tree with her face…

faceprogression

It even looks better than that, but I can’t get myself to take photos of myself lately. [i know, maybe there is something wrong with me.]

With this second lease on life, I’ve made the vibrant need to take life by the horns a priority. And then I sit at a desk all day and crop photos and type emails. It’s a funny feeling.

There are so many feelings that have been rushing through me these past two weeks. It has been a rollercoaster ride for sure. While I mainly feel lucky and so deeply feel loved and feel love, this real fear has set in.

I’m so scared to ski again, but it doesn’t stop there. A climbing trip Evan and I had planned for July suddenly seems terrifying. I can’t get myself on my bike to ride the simple journey to work.

At my lunch break today, I went for a short run. It was my first time exercising since the accident and first off – I’m completely out of shape. And I expected that; I’m not asking too much from myself physically. But fear unexpectedly crept in. Am I now just afraid of moving faster than a walk? Being out there? Being in the elements?

I know it’s not crazy to be afraid of adventures like these after a traumatic experience adventuring, but I feel so lost. There’s never been a time in life where I was so defeated that I didn’t want to pursue another physical adventure. These trips and climbs and skis and runs have been leading the muscles of my life for so long. And this fear has found me lost.

Something I didn’t expect.

But even when I’m lost, my friends, my loves, my family, find me.

A radio dedication last week from my DJ friend in Jackson has become my anthem. As much as I hate to admit it, a comeback is needed. Things beyond my face have taken a hit and I’m looking forward to shaking it all off and coming back.

At work today, a friend left a sweet poem on my desk. I don’t know how she knows what my soul needs, the words it’s craving to say or yearning to hear, but I am every so grateful for her.

you are going to find yourself again

[you are going to find yourself again.]

results are almost.

so many things are just so bright. [the excitement inside.]

first off, get excited with me. listen to this song and dance through the rest of reading this…

i am working on final projects for my first semester of grad school… eee! it feels so right. filled with creative energy, i want to create, collaborate with everyone. let’s do this.

graphics i’ve worked on lately:

made that for a work blahg post.

i made this for my dear friend jared’s 30th birthday. he’s very mountainous. i bet he does have birds living in his beard. wouldn’t surprise me one bit.

new Smeethens Home visitor tradition:

i’ve seen this movie twice in the last two weeks:

it was even better the second time. obviously, i recommend it.

okay, now listen to this song and then kiss the one you love. if you can’t find any lips that press back, dance hard and smile… results are almost identical:

[get it.]

jim for jackson!

though i don’t reside in the wondrous tetons anymore, jackson will always stake claim to inches of the home part of my heart.

i’m still paying close attention to the political races in jackson and i have to wish a huge “good luck!” to Jim Stanford today! JIM FOR JACKSON!

jim for jackson!

like that logo? thanks! i designed it.

and thank you, jim, for all the awesome gifties! best of luck! you got this.

all the tiny floodgates.

Sitting up, way too late… waiting for animation/videos to upload. Thinking about getting coffee last week and having a conversation with one of my fave baristas…

– Hi, I’m here for my second round.

– Oh, that’s right, you started school. How’s it going?

– Pretty good.

– Is this your only semester or do you have one more?

– [almost choking with sad laughter] Uh, I have five more semesters.

FIVE.

Is it worth it? God, I hope so.

Is it fun? Sometimes.

Is it making me look like an out-of-shape vampire? Definitely.

Is it opening all the tiny floodgates within me, so that creativity can flood and soak my insides? Absolutely.

There is one class that I need to make a banner for every week. Since I am the banner queen, I very much enjoy this…

Yes, that last banner is from Eternal Sunshine. Yes, I got to talk about one of my favorite movies in class today. This higher education sometimes feels like a conversation with a stranger at a dinner party, but I love it.

I’m doing it.

I’m delirious.

Time to listen to this song one last time…

…and hit the hay.

[much love to you: dreamers and makers and lovers.]

wanting to go back to jackson, saturday, greece, italy and then wanting to go back to now.

It’s a troubling time of wanting to go back.

To anything, everything.

Two of our dearest Missoula friends are in Jackson right now, at the Bike-In Movies:

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The poster was designed by moi… which makes it even harder not being there. Talking with Sarah on the phone, telling her where to go around town, I ached wanting to go back.

A gchat conversation between Evan and myself…

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I found myself, on this Wednesday, even wanting to go back to Saturday. This past Saturday was ah-mazing. I ran a 10k, went to three different markets, bought only purple and green produce…

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And then it was off to a record swap at an ice cream shop… where I got the following:

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If you can’t tell, that’s some Paul Simon, Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, and Paul Simon again. Oh, and the DVD of You Me and Everyone We Know. I got it for a dollar at a yard sale on Saturday. Please remember how much I love Miranda July.

I want to go back to Saturday.

And then Lisa [my bff] had to go and post photos from Greece. I die. I ache to go back.

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

Love.

There was just so much love, so much laughter in that trip.

And as I ride my bike around Missoula, it’s hard not to think about, “what if I weren’t riding to work?” What if I were riding in Italy for the day.

But, no, live in the now! That’s what I tell myself. I have to remind myself that I love what I’m doing, where I am.

I love what I worked on today. I love what I ate today. What I drank today. Where I ran today. Who I laughed with today. Who I laughed with last night. Where I was today. What I read today. Where I’ll be tomorrow.

I love it.

I must remind myself.

Onward.

On to dancing to this song on repeat in the kitchen whilst delving into baking adventures.

p.s. I absolutely love that video. The way he looks when he dances and sings is the way I feel when I dance and sing at my freest.

cleaning up.

I love the creative nights, but my goodness, they are messy.

Why can’t I be the graphic designer who has a home that looks like this?…

[found here.]

Instead, I’m sitting in the living room with the following on the floor:

• multiple newspapers… some scrunched, some not.

• two bikes… neither complete.

• a bag of cotton balls.

• a childrens book with semi-freshly spilled wine upon it.

• a frisbee.

• a typewriter.  [side note: there’s another typewriter in the room… not on the floor… they’re taking over.]

It really is a mess.  You are not invited over for dinner.  Give us a couple days; then we’d be happy to have you.

In the internet world, the looks of things are changing… cleaning up.

What do you think?

Now, you can run all the bases.  What do you think of my Second Base?  Think it’s all my best goods?  Anything I’m missing?

You let me know.

Until then, I’ll keep finding things and other things that inspire…

And I’ll keep on keeping on.  Working hard.  Creating.

[goodnight, loves.]