These past days I’ve been focusing on who I think I should be… flossing, running, meditating, making meals, eating healthy meals, not drinking, going to new exercise classes, getting eight hours of sleep, reading myself to bed…
This evening, after a wondrous phone conversation about being on a board of directors [another thing], I listened to a podcast and found myself awful sleepy.
This THIS is the life of the person I think I should be.
I looked at my watch [because I wear one now] and thought that I could go to sleep at 8:30pm. I could start a new book and get a jump-start on tomorrow. The me I’m supposed to be would be all over that.
But the me I am really wanted to watch While We’re Young, because the me I am can’t believe I haven’t watched it yet.
And the me I am really wanted a glass of wine. And the me I am rarely keeps things I want from me.
There’s a scene in While We’re Young towards the beginning where it’s painfully obvious that we are all doing the same things. It’s actually a very gross part of the film. The older couple sits on their phones [separately] watching The Daily Show and listening to Radiolab. The younger couple puts on records and plays Settlers of Catan. Each contrasting back and forth. Trying to be the same kinds of people they’re supposed to be. We’re supposed to be.
I poured myself another glass of wine and enjoyed the hell out of the rest of the film.
While We’re Young leaves me officially in love with Noah Baumbach. Oh, who were we kidding. I’ve loved him for a while.
And now I’m here. Doing this still.
There’s who I am. And who I think I should be. And who I really thought I would be long before I would be a wife. [a writer, a flosser, etc.] And now that’s coming and I’m who I am. And I’m partly who I think I should be.
I’m going to find a me in the middle. The me me is very confused about it, but I’m going to keep going to Pure Barre classes. The me I’m supposed to be is disappointed, but I’m going to have another half-glass of wine before turning in.
But the me I want to be is going to write — actually write words on paper — about much of this before climbing into bed and kissing my bearded manfriend hard before playing this song one more time on my phone whilst falling asleep…
[also, I love this video.]
The me I want to be. There it is.
[you don’t know me at all.]