only now.

Man. It’s 1:30 in the morning and here I am blahgging.

After a semester of going crazy and going places and going far, I have to look back and evaluate.

But I can’t. I know I want more of that. More making films. More clicking with crews. More winning. More bike rides with besties. More laughing. More jumping high-fives. More documentaries. More learning. More running. More. More!

That’s as far as my evaluating goes.

What does a full load of school + a full load of work + relationships + functioning as a human being equal? Well, at the end of it all, it looks like rewatching a lot of Girls…

and Orange is the New Black…

I’m so brain-dead. So comically mindless. What does it look like?

I can hardly picture next week, but then I see this profile on Folk Fibers, and for twenty minutes, I’m obsessed with getting married and only registering for one damn thing. A Folk Fibers quilt.

Front-Page-Calafornia_1024x1024 flying-geese-front-page_1024x1024What does it look like?

It looks like, weirdly, wanting to bake something… real bad. But when it’s game time and it’s a friend’s birthday, you buy boxed brownies and fly on the fact that the wish-a-saurus is gonna seal the deal.

What does it look like?

It looks old. I was looking back at some silly Photobooth selfies [selvies?] of Ev and myself and found this of me…

old_rachel

smile-lines? freckles galore? scars? How old am I?

I feel like this woman [wo-man] is a hot 40-year-old. But, hell, she’s just about to turn 29! Do I need more experiences? Or should I slow down? Either way, I’m ten years behind. Don’t I look like this little girl‘s mom?

[p.s. I have had a hair cut since then that I almost regret… that day my hair was close to my favorite ever.]

Speaking of getting older… birthdays. Someday I will have a birthday party that only consists of Lip Synch competitions.

The ones that happen on Jimmy Fallon. And I will be as amazing as Emma Stone…

What does it look like? Playing the moment at 6:07 of that video over and over and over, cuz it makes me so damn happy.

This is my life. After all the working and traveling, my mindless video watching puts a smile on my 40-year-old face whilst I day-dream about quilts.

I don’t know if I would change anything… because I don’t know how I would. I know I should get to sleep earlier, but after school, work, baking the box cake, and beating everyone in scrabble… where is the time to faux-reflect? Only in the wee hours. Only now.

Right now.

[and they stay there.]

gosh, I love her so much.

About a month ago, I went golfing with my parents in Texas. We all laughed together harder than we had in a real long time. Probably because of moments like the one when my dad gave my mom grief for taking too long when it was her shot, “Virginia, grab your club!”

So she did…

And then she danced with it…

Mom_Dancing
We could not stop laughing. Gosh, I love her so much.

Momma, you are so full of joy. You have a heart so big and you’re always there for all of us, bringing love into our lives in the way only you can. Thank you, Momma. Thank you so much!

Happy Mother’s Day, Momma! I love you so!