It’s been two weeks now and I had hoped to talk to you about something other than my accident.
The good news is that I’m looking good for a woman who tried to take out a tree with her face…
It even looks better than that, but I can’t get myself to take photos of myself lately. [i know, maybe there is something wrong with me.]
With this second lease on life, I’ve made the vibrant need to take life by the horns a priority. And then I sit at a desk all day and crop photos and type emails. It’s a funny feeling.
There are so many feelings that have been rushing through me these past two weeks. It has been a rollercoaster ride for sure. While I mainly feel lucky and so deeply feel loved and feel love, this real fear has set in.
I’m so scared to ski again, but it doesn’t stop there. A climbing trip Evan and I had planned for July suddenly seems terrifying. I can’t get myself on my bike to ride the simple journey to work.
At my lunch break today, I went for a short run. It was my first time exercising since the accident and first off – I’m completely out of shape. And I expected that; I’m not asking too much from myself physically. But fear unexpectedly crept in. Am I now just afraid of moving faster than a walk? Being out there? Being in the elements?
I know it’s not crazy to be afraid of adventures like these after a traumatic experience adventuring, but I feel so lost. There’s never been a time in life where I was so defeated that I didn’t want to pursue another physical adventure. These trips and climbs and skis and runs have been leading the muscles of my life for so long. And this fear has found me lost.
Something I didn’t expect.
But even when I’m lost, my friends, my loves, my family, find me.
A radio dedication last week from my DJ friend in Jackson has become my anthem. As much as I hate to admit it, a comeback is needed. Things beyond my face have taken a hit and I’m looking forward to shaking it all off and coming back.
At work today, a friend left a sweet poem on my desk. I don’t know how she knows what my soul needs, the words it’s craving to say or yearning to hear, but I am every so grateful for her.
[you are going to find yourself again.]