Anna and I have been friends since the days of Alpinist magazine.
We lived in the Swamp House together, with her gorgeous sisters, awesome boyfriend [dan], and random interns…
We’ve been on many an adventure to Yosemite, danced on tables in Vegas, made tons of Valentines for loved ones together, ran together, skied together, laughed together, cried together, moved together, grown together… I couldn’t think of my life without miss Anna Davis… and her ah-mazing pick of a partner, Dan… who has taught me so much as an awesome friend and always played the role of [fun] big brother when needed. [side note: no one rollerblades faster than dan abraham.]
So, when I found out that Dan and Anna were tying the knot, not only did I insist on making them some sweet Save-the-Dates…
So, when I asked Anna who her officiant would be, she said, “I’m not sure… but Dan is taking applications.” And I jumped at the opportunity!
I sent the following to Dan…
[note of disclaimer: these documents are filled with inside-jokes and a few things that could maybe maybe be found offensive to certain peoples… but were only said in grasps for humor. enjoy!]
“In Regards to the Open Officiant Position
Dear Mr. Abraham,
How many weddings have you been to? What? I can’t hear you. People who have been to more than fifteen weddings can’t hear when people try to talk about attending under ten weddings. It’s science.
In attending these 15+ wedding ceremonies (and being in most of them), I’ve become quite the expert at how they are supposed to go. And, sure, I’ve had my criticisms:
• Too much crying.
• Too much cleavage.
• Wait, are you kidding? We’re singing?
• Too long.
• Too many children.
• Not enough attractive groomsmen.
• Where are the little cups of wine that are usually passed around?
But I believe that those criticisms have helped me grow as a potential officiant of your wedding. And although I would love for you to have a ceremony just like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0 , I will cater to your wishes for this very special ceremony… Plus, I know you guys are more of a Lil’ Wayne couple.
Attached, you will find a résumé listing all of my qualifications for this coveted position. I will give you a call later in the week to follow up with you. Please feel free to call or email me if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you.