Some Friday hilarity to start your weekend off right…
Back Story: My friend, Anna Davis, is a CPA. Truth: https://rachellaurenmarie.wordpress.com/2010/06/24/2049/ She is way talented. Her sister, Gretchen Davis, is effing hilarious.
Come to find, Anna got herself an INTERN. And this is comical because Anna works from home. I informed Gretchen of the new intern and she quickly sent out this email:
I just heard through the grape vine that you have an intern…AN INTERN (high schooler to be more specific)! I for 1. did not know you were taking applications! And 2. am seriously offended that you would not consider Rachel or myself for this position. Since there are no cons to either of us working for you, I’m going to list all the pros.
Gretchious and No Pants Pros:
1. I would remind you to take breaks from work throughout the day. This includes not waking up too early and a daily afternoon nap. These usually last about 3 hours
2. You would have the opportunity to not wear pants at work with Rachel…she wouldn’t turn you in for sexual harrassment because it would be her idea to go pantless.
3. I would live on site; meaning either in your VW van or in your loft (this of course would be a favor to you)
4. Rachel would wipe the sweat off your forehead, feed you shot blocks, and squirt water in your mouth when you are doing work on your stationary bike.
5. Mid-afternoon, Rae would get you moving and wake you up with a dance party. She might even incorporate towels…nasty!
6. I could provide on site mental health services to you…for a small fee I would also see Cosi (we know she struggles with anxiety) and your chickens (to help prepare them for their murders for when you get sick of them).
7. Work always ends at 4:30pm and Cocktail hour always starts at 4:35pm (this gives you enough time to go the bathroom)…we will only be drinking Pink Panty Pull Downs or Crystal Light and Vodka. Do you think high school intern could handle this? NO WAY! She would be a big baby waaa waaa and probably tell on us! Or she would pull a Dan Long and pass out way too early and eat all my goldfish crackers…Bitch.
8. Rae could design us Accounting T-shirts and we could wear them ever day while we are “pooh bearing” around the office.
9. While you are working in the loft, Rae and I will be downstairs (out of the way) lounging on the couch probably sleeping, rereading Harry Potter, or watching the best sex scenes from all our favorite movies . If for some reason you might need us for something, then you can call us on the soup can and string telephone that we made. Please remember that we will only answer if you are making ringing noises. Don’t be surprised if we ask who is calling…its common courtesy.
10. We would be WAY more fun than the skinny little brat of a high schooler you hired over us! Why you ask…because I know a lot more dirty words and jokes, that’s why!
So, I’m thinking that you are having some regrets about how quickly you decided on an intern…next time you’ll know better!
[yes, some of that is incriminating inside jokes… but i think it’s funny enough to disregard that.]
I cannot stop reading the email. I laugh SO hard every. single. time.
Well, I wanted to contribute my skills to the hilarity, so I whipped something up and sent back the following email with the picture attached:
“I second every single one of Gretchious’s points!
And don’t worry, I’ll make you a tall-T, to cover all the good china when you’re pooh-bearin’. [see attached.]
BEST. INTERNS. EVER.
Have a wonderful weekend!
[note: this was all done in fun… we’re sure this high schooler is just precious and doing a wonderful job.]