A while ago, a friend used the term “spinning my wheels in Jackson” and I thought, Oh man, I will never just spin my wheels… I will be doing something. DOING.
But lately, that phrase has been haunting me. Am I just spinning my wheels?
I’m not even blahgging. I’m doing mediocre work at almost every turn.
And then the WHAT AM I DOING? hauntings… they’re the worst.
But not too bad.
Drove to Boulder to see this kid…
…well, mainly his parents. I love and miss them all so much.
On the way there, getting the driving-time thinking in [the good stuff], I started wondering, When was the last time I cried? Like, really cried.
Couldn’t remember. Meh. Didn’t think too hard about it.
One of the days in Boulder, Evan and I went climbing in El Dorado Canyon. It stormed a bit so we just hung out, ate lunch in a cave, hung out. Then it was time to climb. Time to climb something easy and quick to get back to dinner with loved ones.
It was easy EASY, so I was going to lead the first pitch.
I went up, went up a bit more and in the least technical terms, I fell. I fell hard.*
And I just started bawling. I wasn’t hurt, nothing serious at all… just some gnarly bruises, but I just fell apart. Evan, bless his soul, was freaked the eff out.
– Are you okay?! Rach!! Are you alright?!
– I’m fine. I’m okay. What’s wrong with me??! [bawling.]
– Nothing!… I hope! Come down here!
– No. I wanna stay here for a little bit.
Everything had crashed.
I didn’t want to go up, I didn’t want to go down, I just wanted to be invisible there for a second. Everything had crashed and I had to soak it in for a second.
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I do anything? WHAT AM I DOING?! What am I ever doing?
The pain of defeat and realization hit harder than I did on the rock.
– Rach, will you please come down? Let’s just go.
He hugged me. I didn’t want to hug back. It’s this funny thing defeat does. Lack of worth for anything love related.
It took me a full day of puffy eyes to stop beating myself up for falling, for spinning, for not going up, not going down.
But I’m not anymore. I won’t.
Wheels in motion… going somewhere.
[and this, just for kicks…]
* Mom, Dad, I promise promise I’m fine. I’m being safe.