…but i’m gonna live.

I was very scared last night.  A feeling too familiar.

Hurting, in my side.

Oh, no… My kidney’s trying to sabotage me again.

Two years ago I had a kidney infection and didn’t know it.  Thought it was something else.  Denial about so many other parts of life lead to denial about my health.  So far that I could not stand.  Could not help myself to the kitchen, to the bathroom.

Woke up in the middle of the night shaking, crying.

It was the sickest I’ve ever been.

Last night, the pain, in my side, too familiar.  Terrifying.

So, I made an appointment at the Urgent Care that I went to two years ago for my kidney care.  [they were unbelievably loving to me in one of my most broken times.]

I sat their waiting for the urine test to come back, the doctor to look me in the eyes.  I expected to hear…

– You have a horrible kidney infection.

…again.

But instead I heard…

– You’re all clear.  Lay down, let me feel around.

[insert witty, mildly sexual joke.]

She felt around, I winced a little, she almost half smiled and said…

– You have gas.

– Pardon?

– Have you been holding in some gas?

– What?  Well… Okay… They had this cheese sale at the Meat and Fish Market!

[she laughed.]

And I was pretty dang embarrassed… But mainly excited that I was gonna be alright.

I told her details upon realizing that maybe I was just a bit backed up.

– Yeah, your colon is just a bit irritated.  Eat some fiber, drink a lot of fluids, stay away from cheese… You’re gonna be fine.

I laughed at myself with joy.  I’m okay!  I’m okay!

I could not stop thinking about the Royal Tenenbaums for the rest of the day.  Royal, himself, to be specific.

If you don’t know the story…

Royal is an a-hole father who left his family [wife and two kids].  When he finds his wife is going to re-marry, he wants to reconnect with her and his [now] grown children.  His way of doing so is by faking stomach cancer.  It works.  They sort through a lot of life, get mad, get confused, find love, find family… and then Royal gets caught faking and they get mad, get confused, find love, find family.

One of my favorite quotes comes from a conversation with Royal and his son, Richie…

Royal: Richie, this illness, this closeness to death… it’s had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.
Richie: Dad, you were never dying.
Royal: …but I’m gonna live.

I love it.

I’m gonna live!

– You were never dying.

– But I’m gonna live!

I’m gonna live.

I also love this…

4 thoughts on “…but i’m gonna live.

  1. It takes a real woman to document her gaseous issues to all who care. So glad to know you have no kidney issues and that this problem,well, this too, shall pass. Take care, my child, and like all mom’s say,” eat your fruits and vegetables!” (Now you know why.) And, now you can say “my doctor told me to” when you ‘rip one off’.
    Lovingly, momma

  2. Rach! So glad you’re OK! Keep Livin’, girl!
    But, I have a question. You say Royal abandoned his wife and TWO kids. I’m assuming you count Richie and Chas as the two and that you’re excluding Margot because she is Royal’s adopted daughter? Just checkin’.

  3. momma: you are awesome.

    whales: yeah, he totally only has two kids… “this is my adopted daughter, margot.” okay, okay… it was a slip up. i meant to say THREE kids. [i am so ashamed.]

    britt: you have no idea how many times i say that.

    LOVE to all.

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