cold confetti.

I’m very much in love with these songs:

I got a dress in the mail yesterday.  A gorgeous dress.  From a friend.  From my favorite store.

I couldn’t believe it.  Whilst waiting in line to pick up my package, I flipped through a catalog of pretty dresses, wanting one.

Then my pretty dress.  Wow!  From an amazing friend.

Telling me that it was just a token of her appreciation for me and she thought I’d love it.

I LOVE IT.

I was glowing from the kindness, the love, that I had received.

It was a good day.

Then it was a weird day.

It was raining for most of the day… then sleeting… then snowing.  A weird snow… a hard snow… puking.

I was working at Community Entry Services.

A client freaked out, threw a fit… towards me… for hours.  I wanted to be numb.

Then, a couple hours later, another client flipped out.  Went manic.  Started screaming at me.

– Why don’t you take some time and go in your room?

– NO!  I DON’T WANT TO GO IN MY F*CKING ROOM!  I WANT YOU TO F*CKING LEAVE!

I wanted to leave.

I thought about it, thoroughly.

Looked outside… still snowing hard.

Daydreamed about putting on my new pretty dress and just walking out, just f*cking leaving.

Walking in the snow.  The coldness, my numbness.  Leaving.

Being soaked by this cold confetti that’s pelting me in my celebration of leaving.  Just f*cking leaving.

Walking where?  Nowhere.  No end in sight.  Going and going and people looking and wondering.

Where was she?  Where’s she going?  Why is she so dressed up?

Why is she smiling so big?

Daydreaming and then being snapped out of it.  Realizing there are still adults screaming at me, wanting me to leave, and my job is to stay.

– I’M SICK OF STAFF!  YOU DON’T LIVE HERE!  I WANT YOU TO F*CKING LEAVE!

Look to the box that holds my freedom dress, look outside at the freshness of falling snow, breathe deep, walk to the kitchen silently and start making dinner for the screamers.

I’ll leave another day.

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