pause. smile. wave.

Had to work today/tonight.  At CES [Community Entry Services].

[that’s with adults with disabilites.]

Worked with a group I don’t usually work with… including Benny [who’s 74].

Friday nights they go out to eat with their house.

Everyone’s ready… except for Benny.

Benny’s running… oh, an hour behind schedule.

After telling him over and over that it’s time to get in the van, I, frustrated as hell, go sit in the van and wait with the other clients.

I might’ve honked.  Just maybe.

I’m thinking, C’mon dude!  It’s time to get our Pizza Hut on!

Fine.uh.lly, Benny comes out of his apartment.  He starts walking down the stairs.  And I’m thinking, Thank God.

Then he just stops.  Mid stairs.

And I’m thinking, What the eff now?!

[overly frustrated.]

He takes off both his gloves, reaches for his back pocket, pulls out a hanky and blows his nose.  Then he looks right at me, smiles [sans dentures… just one big, gummy smile] and waves at me with the snotty hanky.  Then he proceeds to put his hanky back in his pocket, his gloves back on and walks down the rest of the stairs to join us in the awaiting van.

Precious.

Made me smile to myself.  Eat my thoughts.

Reminds me to pause.  Smile.  Wave.  Not take myself too seriously.

Pause.  Smile.  Wave.

let’s face it.

“Let’s face it. We’re undone by each other. And if we’re not, we’re missing something. If this seems so clearly the case with grief, it is only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. It may be that one wants to, or does, but it may also be that despite one’s best efforts, one is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel.”

– Judith Butler.

i will knock you off your feet. [i’ve got imagination.]

I kinda feel like this…

Just so tired and blah.

But I wanted to communicate… with… well… you, I guess.

New favorites:

[great song, meh video.]

Dinosaur Feathers. I obviously automatically loved them just based on their name.  But then after listening, turns out I really do love love them.

I recommend listening to their myspace playlist whilst doing anything creative… or doing anything nothing… or doing anything doing: http://www.myspace.com/dinosaurfeathers [parallel july = my fave track.] [or early morning risers.]

Oh!  And I definitely definitely recommend all SXSW goers to check them out as much as possible in the ATX.

An old favorite:

[amazing song, lovely video.]

I heard this driving in the early morning and cried a bit.  Haven’t listened to it in a long while… forgot how beautiful, how perfect it is…

Wrote a lot about it in my journal.  Strewn with the lyrics and a love of hope and a hope for love and a thankfulness for heart and a heart for thankfulness, my entry was a tad too personal to share [yeah, who knew it was possible!].  But I very much wanted to share the song/video.

Oh, and the lyrics:

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They’re spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am.
I don’t know where I’ve been.
But I know where I want to go.

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange [you said everything changed]
You felt as if you’d just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean
I really think you like me.

[love it.]

Yes and yes.  Good things in this life [this world] we have here.

Had to bid my mother farewell this morning.  We had great times…

it's the circle of love.

Yes and yes.

Well, loves… I feel like I’ve written you a letter of an update of the inners of Rachel Lauren Marie.

Hope you don’t mind the keep up.

To bed with me!

this morning.

Felt very connected to my family this morning.

Sitting, drinking coffee with mother.

Reading a book from my father… one he LOVES.

Listening to a mix CD from my amazing brother.

Realizing a little bit of why I am who I am… how we’re all helping each other to be amazings… and we don’t even know it.

Then I got an email from Pops.  A picture.  A group of friends in Vermillion, South Dakota.  Wow.

Awesome.

vermillion thanksgiving.

Wow.  Incredible.

Can you pick out which one is my father?

[hint: overalls.]

[wow] happy.

Found this…

…this morning, in my favorite e-magazine: Picame.

And it made me happy… because I am happy.  !!  [whoa.]

Having my mom here is a great gage to how life is going.  I find myself getting excited about showing off every aspect of my life here in Jackson.

This is where I work.

These are my lovely clients.  [they are great.]

These are my awesome co-workers.  [they are great.]

This is how I dance at the Wort.

This is a fun person to dance with.  [they are great.]

This is where I go for runs/walks.

This is my amazing/lovely roommate.  [she is great.]

This is my friend ______.  [they are great.]

This is where I go when I’m bored and want to run into someone.

This is someone I run into often.  [they are great.]

These are the mountains I fell in love with.  [they are great.]

This is some of my amazing friend’s amazing art.

This is my favorite thrift shop.

This is my favorite restaurant.

This is my favorite place to buy groceries.

This is my favorite place to get coffee.

This.

This.

This.

It is all so exciting.  All so smiling.  Happiness.

So I won’t change a thing.

Happy.

And yes, I expect there’s a small percentage of the small audience of this here blahg that wants to gag themselves because of all this happy talk… so I will include the obvious truth: I’m not always happy.  In fact, I am almost always striving to be happIER… which is usually a trait of those not that happy…

Though I am happy, I want.

I want…

…to write more, to cook more, to create more, to make more, to kiss more, to dance more, to run more, to volunteer more, to weigh less, to read more, to see more, to travel more, to design more, to be more.

The ugliness of wanting leaves one questioning happiness.

Even when you’re [wow] happy.

Even when you have a mom who makes you heart cookies on sticks just like when you were a kid.

simple love.

Then the realization [thanks to simple simple things] that…

I am happy.

Hope you’re happy.

Let this help…