i am done.

It was a hard year.  The hardest yet.

Last fall.  Leaving Yosemite in a blur to try and soften the blows of a family emergency and my sister’s divorce.  The darkness of that.

Fresno.  The tears of family, the delicacy of a two year old in question in your arms.  Hard. The frustration of uncertainty.

The pain of an uncertain love.  Being embarrassed by the pain and hopes of it all.  Dark.  Pain.

Twelve job applications.  No employment.  Lost.  Losing.  No direction.

Jackson.  Laying in bed, not able to get up, can’t see clearly.  Physical pain like I’ve never known.  Waking up in the middle of the night sweating, shaking, freezing, crying, confused.

Five minutes to get up.  Ten to get out the door and into my car.

At the Emergency Care…

– You have a horribly bad kidney infection.  We don’t even know how you got here by yourself.

– [trying not to cry and focus on the face of my doctor or nurse.]

– You could either just take the antibiotic for $4 or the shot for $170.  We highly recommend the shot.  You need to get something in your system now.

– [trying not to cry.] I just can’t afford the shot.  I’ll have to just take the pill.  I’m sorry.

– …We’ll be right back.

They leave the room for about five minutes and then return…

– Well, you’re in luck.  Usually the shot is $170, but today it’s on special for $25.  Would you like it?

– [crying.] Yes, thank you so, so much.

Georgetown.  Home.  Defeated.  In every single area of my life.  Not winning at anything.

Australia.  Australia?  Australia.

The. Family. From. Hell.  I kept searching for hidden cameras.  Not from the family, but from some kind of cable TV show.  This had to be a joke.

Lonely.  The loneliest.  Missing everything.  Everyone.

Crying.  Daily.

New family.

Lonelier.  How?

Mother/boss lost her job.  Fired.  What?  One week’s notice?  Whatever, screw you.  Middle finger to this place; I want to go home.

Beat down.  Defeated.  Desperate for living of any kind.

The darkest time.  Family, love, friends… All torn down, failed.  My own doing.  My responsibility for my darkness.  Powerful.  My responsibility for darkness in general.  Crushing.  Suffocating.  Ready to be done.  Making the decision that there is nothing to live for, nothing in myself that I want to look at… but the belief that maybe [some day] there will be something there again… and having to desperately grasp on to that.

Jackson.  Home.  Friends.  Calling it quits [again] on a love that cannot be willed into working.  Tears… always.  Empty.

Too many jobs.  Worn down.  Good thing?  Yes.

Throwing up.  All night.  Why?  Because this is a bad year.

Finding joy.  Finding light.  Getting excited?  Whoa… slow down.

Ear ache.  Ear infection.  What am I, nine years old?

More sickness.  Scared.

I was ready for it to all be over.  But this time it was different than that way I wanted it to all be over that last week in Sydney.  I’m calling it my bad year… hopefully my worst… and I’m moving on.  But there had to be something to symbolize the end.  Something big.

So I ran a marathon.  In Fresno.  Where this all began.

marathon.
the finish.

I hardly told anyone.  I didn’t tell my closest friends.  This had to be something I did by myself.  For myself.

It was hard.  Rightfully so.

I had a mix of songs throughout the year to listen to.  The songs started in Yosemite and ended with two weeks ago.  It was powerful.  You’re laughing at me, but I don’t care.

A mile for every two weeks.  Running.  Reflecting.  Hurting.

Mile 6, thinking, “Really?  I have TWENTY more miles?  What the hell am I doing?”

Mile 17, the stitch.  My right side, all the way down.  Thinking, “Oh god.  Please let this stop.  I’m never going to make it.”

Mile 20, my ankle failing me.  Thinking, “I want to cry.  I can’t.  I have to keep going.  I want this to be over.”

Men older than my dead grandfather passing me.  Women in metallic wigs passing me.  Me thinking, “Well, this is just embarrassing.”

Finishing.  Time: 4:57.  Slow.  I could care less.

My family there.  Cheering me on.  My sister, my biggest fan.  Yelling so loud, smiling so big.  So proud.  On both ends.

I’ve never been happier.

Finished.

I am done.

I’m glad to be back.

Thank you for everything.

All of you.

16 thoughts on “i am done.”

  1. that’s so awesome, rachel! i’m terribly sorry for your horrible year. know that we’re always here for you. you need to come to b’ham! miss you!
    c.

  2. can I give you an internet hug? I can see this has all been hard but I just want you to know that you are a strong woman who can stand tall against whatever crap comes your way. Especially after what sounds like the year from hell. May it be your worst so that each one after it is better.
    (And kudos on the marathon! My room mates are doing one and I just laaaaaaugh…)

  3. Hey R!
    I enjoyed reading this post…not that I am excited about your bad year…but it was just a good post and creative way to document it. Ps- we had the exact same time on our marathons….haha. It is not that slow….hey, you finished!!!

  4. casey: thank you!! you guys are such awesome friends. keep being rad, please.

    ashe: so SO good seeing you yesterday! you are such a strong, upstanding woman of jackson… we should get one more kinger in while we can!

    kate: internet hug received… thanks! and wish the best of luck to your roomies.

    lauryn: well, i feel a lot better knowing that i got the same marathon time as hardass lauryn. any more marathons in your future? maybe one with a baby stroller??

    love.love.love,
    R.

  5. Proud of you, Rach. I love you a whole lot and I wish I could see you right now. Thanks for sharing this post. Hope we can chat soon!

  6. Love you Rachel.

    The next time you you have a bad day come over and we will sit on the couch with your comforter and starbucks ice cream and watch a wes anderson movie.

  7. abs: i love you a whole, whole lot. i wish i could see you too… but you had to run off to ireland with your bf… again. thanks for being lovely!

    britt: it’s hard how much i miss those starbuck ice cream/wes anderson times with you… ahh, i want them! we’ll have to initiate dylan into our club. i love you so, so, momma britt.

    lauryn: hardass… yes. oh, i’m intrigued! what race did you sign up for??

    whales: adventures. the brave times. you know, you know. love, love, love! i think YOU’RE awesome.

    jare: ditto, my friend… dit-to.

    a ridiculous amount of love,
    raquel.

  8. Hi again!!! I signed up for the SLC half…it’s flat and fast…should be fun…and then the FALL…I am either doing the Nike womens or the BIg sur marathon..can’t decide…any suggestions?

  9. oh, totally do the nike womens! i really want to do that one! i heard it’s AWESOME. though, i don’t know anything about the big sur one… that could also be awesome.

  10. So I know this is really old but I just read it and I’m sorry you had a really hard year. I have had one of my harder years this year. I just want to say thanks for being so honest. It is refreshing and real. Thanks and I love reading your blahgg 🙂

  11. awww, lindsey… thank you!

    yeah, i’m all about events to symbolize. maybe you should run a marathon…?

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