way over yonder.

My new favorite is getting up early enough to listen to some good music, write in my journal and drink coffee.

I think this is a normal favorite routine for many… but I’m behind.

Many thoughts.  Always.

Excited for Thanksgiving.

Will be in Southern Utah.  Climbing.  Holler!

Heard this song this morning and remembered how much I love.

Heard an interview with Wes Anderson [heart skips] about his new film.

http://www.fantasticmrfoxmovie.com/

Fantastic.

Vrrrry excited.

Can’t stop talking to people about this disturbing youtube I saw last night.

Not okay.

I hate to leave you with that.  Maybe I should’ve put them in a different order.  Go watch the Billy Bragg video again.

That’s all I got.

Love to all.

Be thankful.

hey!

There are some awesome people in my life.

Here are a couple things from some said people.

A postcard:

beautimous.

It’s from the lovely Lindsey.  She informs me that England is as gray as I think.

A story:

My beautiful roommate, Dabney, dabbles in daycare work.   She told me a work story yesterday…

– So, remember the little boy at daycare who I told you about who’s my favorite and wears skirts?

– Yeah.

– Yeah, so he was sitting on my lap today and leaned back onto my chest and then got real excited, turned around, looked straight at my chest and said, “Hey!  My mom has boobs, too!”

 

Awesome.

nothing under my skin but light.

Too much love.  Too much excitement.

Don’t know why.

So here I go.

Sitting in the library, next to the poetry section, which holds like [i don’t know] a hundred Billy Collins books, makes me feel close to you.  All of you.

I love libraries.  Duh, who doesn’t?

I wish I could run around one with you when no one else was there.  And dance.  And build a fort.  And read funny things to each other.  And amazing things.  And stories of love powerful.  The kind people like to write/read about more than they like to show.

You’d make me cry because I’m a baby.  I’d make you laugh because I dance funny.  Oh, by the way, we’re dancing now:

“…It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.”
– From Billy.

Yes and Yes!

And we would declare many things.

Anything.

Like:  “Ginger snaps, an apple and a root beer is an acceptable meal… I do declare!”

well... she did declare.

the clouds keep rollin’ on in.

My biggest complaint about Jackson, Wyoming used to be that there wasn’t a music scene that I could really get excited about.

But I complain no more.

Thanks to KHOL, our community radio station, I can turn on the radio and fall in love with tunes on the regular.  Last night, I found myself in the kitchen, painting a dresser*, drinking wine and listening/dancing/singing to our KHOL.  Happiness.

Join them [and yours truly] tomorrow [Saturday] night for a fundraiser/dance party… aka the BEST fundraisers.  If you love it, keep it alive.

i did not design this poster.

Yes and yes.  Should be awesome.

But the real excitement…

Tonight [yes, tonight!] these folks:

…are playing at Lindsey McCandless Contemporary.  !!

That’s what I’m talking about.

Way to be, Jackson.

I will be smiling like a little kid… hopefully smiling your way.  See you there.

*There are a lot of things I am not good at… “painting furniture” recently was added to the list.

ride into the sunset.

Things I’m obsessed with right now…

A friend with near flawless musical taste shared this: http://familymoons.com/public/?q=node/200 and now I am addicted.  Like, srrrrsly.

One of my favorite artists: www.misprintedtype.com put up some new stuff.

I larve it…

brightside.

art of losing.

the map of the interior world.

The coolest pop-up book I have ever seen…

these dinosaurs be poppin'.

Oh, and my love, Lindsey, has a new website that I am obsessed with: http://www.lindseyyankey.com

sunshine.

So much greatness.

You.  Have the best day yet.

i am done.

It was a hard year.  The hardest yet.

Last fall.  Leaving Yosemite in a blur to try and soften the blows of a family emergency and my sister’s divorce.  The darkness of that.

Fresno.  The tears of family, the delicacy of a two year old in question in your arms.  Hard. The frustration of uncertainty.

The pain of an uncertain love.  Being embarrassed by the pain and hopes of it all.  Dark.  Pain.

Twelve job applications.  No employment.  Lost.  Losing.  No direction.

Jackson.  Laying in bed, not able to get up, can’t see clearly.  Physical pain like I’ve never known.  Waking up in the middle of the night sweating, shaking, freezing, crying, confused.

Five minutes to get up.  Ten to get out the door and into my car.

At the Emergency Care…

– You have a horribly bad kidney infection.  We don’t even know how you got here by yourself.

– [trying not to cry and focus on the face of my doctor or nurse.]

– You could either just take the antibiotic for $4 or the shot for $170.  We highly recommend the shot.  You need to get something in your system now.

– [trying not to cry.] I just can’t afford the shot.  I’ll have to just take the pill.  I’m sorry.

– …We’ll be right back.

They leave the room for about five minutes and then return…

– Well, you’re in luck.  Usually the shot is $170, but today it’s on special for $25.  Would you like it?

– [crying.] Yes, thank you so, so much.

Georgetown.  Home.  Defeated.  In every single area of my life.  Not winning at anything.

Australia.  Australia?  Australia.

The. Family. From. Hell.  I kept searching for hidden cameras.  Not from the family, but from some kind of cable TV show.  This had to be a joke.

Lonely.  The loneliest.  Missing everything.  Everyone.

Crying.  Daily.

New family.

Lonelier.  How?

Mother/boss lost her job.  Fired.  What?  One week’s notice?  Whatever, screw you.  Middle finger to this place; I want to go home.

Beat down.  Defeated.  Desperate for living of any kind.

The darkest time.  Family, love, friends… All torn down, failed.  My own doing.  My responsibility for my darkness.  Powerful.  My responsibility for darkness in general.  Crushing.  Suffocating.  Ready to be done.  Making the decision that there is nothing to live for, nothing in myself that I want to look at… but the belief that maybe [some day] there will be something there again… and having to desperately grasp on to that.

Jackson.  Home.  Friends.  Calling it quits [again] on a love that cannot be willed into working.  Tears… always.  Empty.

Too many jobs.  Worn down.  Good thing?  Yes.

Throwing up.  All night.  Why?  Because this is a bad year.

Finding joy.  Finding light.  Getting excited?  Whoa… slow down.

Ear ache.  Ear infection.  What am I, nine years old?

More sickness.  Scared.

I was ready for it to all be over.  But this time it was different than that way I wanted it to all be over that last week in Sydney.  I’m calling it my bad year… hopefully my worst… and I’m moving on.  But there had to be something to symbolize the end.  Something big.

So I ran a marathon.  In Fresno.  Where this all began.

marathon.

the finish.

I hardly told anyone.  I didn’t tell my closest friends.  This had to be something I did by myself.  For myself.

It was hard.  Rightfully so.

I had a mix of songs throughout the year to listen to.  The songs started in Yosemite and ended with two weeks ago.  It was powerful.  You’re laughing at me, but I don’t care.

A mile for every two weeks.  Running.  Reflecting.  Hurting.

Mile 6, thinking, “Really?  I have TWENTY more miles?  What the hell am I doing?”

Mile 17, the stitch.  My right side, all the way down.  Thinking, “Oh god.  Please let this stop.  I’m never going to make it.”

Mile 20, my ankle failing me.  Thinking, “I want to cry.  I can’t.  I have to keep going.  I want this to be over.”

Men older than my dead grandfather passing me.  Women in metallic wigs passing me.  Me thinking, “Well, this is just embarrassing.”

Finishing.  Time: 4:57.  Slow.  I could care less.

My family there.  Cheering me on.  My sister, my biggest fan.  Yelling so loud, smiling so big.  So proud.  On both ends.

I’ve never been happier.

Finished.

I am done.

I’m glad to be back.

Thank you for everything.

All of you.