Big changes are a happening round these parts. I’m dealing the the emotions of change and surety, but as soon as I have a better grasp on those, I will explain my current situation to you via blog… because that’s what normal people do… share their lives via blog.
Until then, here’s a story from the other morning for assurance sake:
Barbara [the mom] shows no indication of doing much of anything this morning… except for critiquing my every move. And I do mean EVERY. As I’m getting packed lunches together for the kids, Barbara sits on the other side of the counter and watches… very, very, closely.
To begin to explain this ridiculousness, I have to tell you a little bit about the children’s eating habits… maybe even more ridiculous:
Craig [age 13] doesn’t like much of anything. He’s the stereotypical picky eater times 10. Here is Craig on his lunches:
– Rachel, if you give me yogurt in lunch, I won’t eat it.
– Umm Rachel, don’t give me ham anymore because it makes my lunch box smell funny.
– I couldn’t eat the grapes because I had a loose tooth.
– The jam had too many seeds in it.
– Please only give me the white, white bread.
And then there’s Hazel [age 14]. Hazel is a vegetarian who won’t eat meat, fish or gelatin but eats chicken and turkey. I know you might have to re-read that sentence a couple times to grasp the ridiculousness… please feel free. When I buy sour straws at the mall and offer some to Hazel, she always replies with, “Oh, no… I can’t eat those; I’m a vegetarian.” So, I always buy sour straws around Hazel cuz it’s safe… Chocolate, on the other hand…
Anyways, Hazel eats turkey, no problem… no other meat or gummy candies.
Back to this morning. I’m rushing around, getting the lunches ready and Barbara is literally just sitting there, watching my every move around the kitchen…
– Aren’t you going to give Craig a ham sandwich?
– No. He says the ham makes his lunch box smell bad and that he doesn’t want it.
– What? Why would he say that? Well give him the beef, he should like that beef, it’s sliced really thin… [3 more minutes of beef talk.]
I get the roast beef out to and start making a sandwich.
– Yes, that’s nice beef… Wait, how old is that beef? No, that’s about a week old… No, don’t give him that… Throw that out. And throw out the bread you put it on too.
Throw away the beef and bread. Think for a bit and then go for a can of tuna.
– No, craig doesn’t like that kind of tuna. Use the fresh stuff.
I put that can back. And go for a can that’s open and already in the fridge.
– Rachel, when you put tuna in the fridge, you should really put it in a sealed container.
– I didn’t put this in the fridge… But I’ll remind Marc and the kids of that.
– Oh, no. See, that tuna’s not fresh. Get another can. Throw that out.
This is where I start slamming things around and go mute. If Barbara and I were dating, this is the point where should would realize that she’s sleeping on the couch. I really can’t get over how she’s just sitting there directing me around the kitchen in circles.
– Rachel, we really need to give Craig some fruit in his lunch.
– Rachel, are you going to give Craig some fruit?
– He doesn’t eat it.
– Well, he needs some.
I look around and grab the closest piece of fruit to me that I know I don’t want… an old, red apple… perfect. Surprised that she doesn’t comment on the state of the apple, I start on Hazels lunch. We don’t have any turkey left, and I know Barbara will throw a fit if I give her a cheese sandwich, so I go for the Vegemite [which I find terribly disgusting].
– How often are you giving Hazel marmalade sandwiches for lunch?
– This is the first time this week… We’re out of turkey.
– Well, I can buy more turkey if we need it. Rachel, you should really spread butter on with that Vegemite.
– Hazel never spreads butter on hers.
– Oh, well she really should. I’ll tell her to spread butter on it. Yes, she always does spread butter on her Vegemite.
Wait. She “really should” or she “always does”? I’m confused. Regardless, I go for the butter. I give Hazel an apple and then reach to the top shelf of the cupboard to get her a cookie-bar thing… I have to hide these from the family so that there are some left for lunches…. and I’m done!
Barbara is still sitting at the counter in thought.
– Welp, Barbara, the kids lunches are packed. Can I get you anything?
– I was thinking I’d come home early and show you how to make spaghetti bolognese for dinner.
Alright Barb, it’s not me… it’s you.