B = Barbara, the mother. M = Marc, the father. H = Hazel, the 14 year old daughter. C = Craig, the 13 year old son.
[normal sunday night.]
B: Well, all the chocolate sauce is gone! It’s only been a week! It’s all gone!
[This is where I start asking myself WHY exactly I thought it would be peaceful to spend the evening downstairs, watching TV with the Vincents.]
M: Alright, well, how much chocolate sauce have you had this week?
[While the parents argue about that, I begin to hear “chocolate sauce” over and over and get really confused. Are they talking about chocolate syrup? For ice cream? Or are they talking about chocolate sauce for hot chocolate? I’m very confused… but I won’t ask.]
B: Well, it’s unacceptable that we’ve gone through a whole jar or chocolate sauce! The kids must be having an unbelievable amount! Hazel, did you eat all the chocolate sauce??
H: No, I’m ON A DIET!
[This pretty much gets an audible laugh out of me. Hazel has been “on a diet” since I’ve got here and I have yet to see the signs of dieting… which is completely fine cuz she’s a very thin, young girl. I think dieting just comes with the age. Anywho, she eats cookies like they’re going out of style and ice cream like it’s gonna eat her if she doesn’t. I’d put my money on Hazel for the disappearance of this “chocolate sauce” you speak of.]
B: Craig, how much chocolate sauce have you had this week?
C: Just a little bit… I swear.
[Oh, look at that… two completely innocent kids.]
B: Rachel, did you eat a lot of chocolate sauce this week?
R: I’m sorry, what is chocolate sauce??
M: Oh, Barbara, leave her alone. The Nutella, she wants to know if you ate the Nutella.
[Okay, don’t get me wrong, I like Nutella… I won’t turn it down if someone offers it to me. But if I’m gonna go spread something sweet on bread and call it a sandwich, it’s gonna be peanut butter. I haven’t had Nutella in a long, long while.]
R: No, I haven’t had any of it.
[Oh, by the way, once I figure out that chocolate sauce = Nutella, I KNOW it’s Hazel. She asks me to make her Nutella sandwiches for lunch and then I see her sneak Nutella after school.]
B: Well Hazel, it must have been you. You ate the chocolate sauce didn’t you??
H: MOM! I’M ON A DIET!! ASK DAD! Dad, aren’t I on a diet??
B: Well, someone’s not telling the truth… Hazel…
[OMG, are we still talking about Nutella? How can I exit without them seeing me??]
H: Rachel, please tell my mom that I’m ON A DIET!
[All eyes turn to me… dangit. What am I supposed to do? Rat the girl out?? She did eat all the Nutella. But she realllly doesn’t want people to know… But I don’t want them to interrogate me again… Oh man, this is stupid.]
R: Uhhh… I’ve made some sandwiches for Hazel for her lunch, but leave me outta this… Just know I didn’t eat any chocolate sauce.
B: Oh, Rachel no. You shouldn’t give her those for lunch, they’re not healthy. No, no, she can’t have chocolate sauce sandwiches for lunch.
[I’m heading for the stairs at this point.]
R: Yep, okay… I don’t feel well. I think I’m gonna retire for the night.
H: Mom! Get off it! I didn’t eat it!
M: Okay, a whole jar is gone, Hazel… Who ate it then??
[And I’m out.]
God forbid anything actually go wrong with this family… I have still have a headache from the Chocolate Sauce Crisis of 2009.