Step 1: Be Unrealistic.

Class was cancelled this morning. After I was already sitting at the coffee shop, flustering to get all the scripts together that I need to read and making note of the loose ends I need to tie up, my three-hour class was cancelled and I have a couple hours to myself at this escape.

So as an homage to the me who sat in countless [countless!] coffee shops in Wyoming and Australia, blahgging away about hopes of love and hopes of success and observations of beauty, I sit and write.

And actually discover and listen to good music…

…instead of embarrassingly [enthusiastically] listening to Top 40 hits whilst working.

The beginning of my last year of grad school has been met with much appreciation and frustration. I am making films. People are excited that I am making films for them. I am making films for Adventure Cycling…

on_set_epic_montana

on set of an Epic Montana shoot. photo by Mick Faherty.

I am making a documentary about some of the most incredible families I’ve ever met. I have a phone call with PBS today. I am meeting tonight to discuss a sequel-ish to my most infamous work.

This is a dream come true. Beyond a dream.

This semester I am taking classes more focused around fiction, narrative. Writing. Creating. I have always wanted to be a writer. Thought that I could write. There are two compliments I hold above all others. They happened within two years from each other, both spoken by men that should not have held as much clout as they did in my life. They both had recently read something that I wrote and looked at me in the eyes and said…

– You are a writer.

And now I sit in front of my computer, ready to compose something more for my Screenwriting class, and I can’t. I don’t feel like a writer when I try to write a screenplay. Sometimes I do get words down. They’re all shit. It’s so frustrating.

And I’m so inspired lately. So insanely inspired by every ounce around me. I want to write/make short films as amazing as this…

The Video Dating Tape of Desmondo Ray, Aged 33 & 3/4 from Steve Baker on Vimeo.

And as badass as this…

Jettison Your Loved Ones from Court 13 on Vimeo.

Even as perfect as this little one…

ASPIRATIONAL from Matthew Frost on Vimeo.

It’ll happen, right? I’ll write something worth making into them movin’ pictures, right? Yes and yes.

I just read the screenplay of Little Miss Sunshine.

It made me love the movie even more, which I didn’t think was possible. Michael Arndt [who wrote the screenplay] is such an encouragement. He put this in the back:

LMS_script_1 LMS_script_2
I love this. I love it so much.

In everything, remember who you are and where you came from and that if you take yourself too seriously, you’ll kill the things you love… but if you don’t take the things you love seriously, you’ll let yourself die.

Since I’m here and we hardly talk anymore, let me show you all the songs that I am loving right now [along with the one from the beginning of this post… which I can't stop listening to]…

Thanks, Ash!

[so so excited for that album.]

Also, I saw this film last night…

HO-LY HELLLLL. It was dark, intense, awesome, weird, beautiful. I highly recommend it.

I thought I was going to see it by myself. Evan was at the library studying, I thought I’d walk down to the pub theater and see a late movie by myself. [Sidenote: I love Missoula.] I texted Ev, “I’m going to see the 9pm show. see you at home later! xxo.” When I got to the theater, Evan was standing outside, locking up his bike.

– I wanted to hang out with you.

We went inside, bought tickets, and went to get a glass of wine. Some dear friends [another couple] were there, going to the same movie. We hugged. We sat with them. We all laughed at the humorous parts together. We all clutched our significant other during the [weirdly, yet highly] suspenseful parts together.

Afterwards, we stood outside the theater and talked about different theories and getting input from each other to try and clarify all the mindfucks. [there were a lot… this movie is awesome.]

It was a wondrous, unexpected/much-needed, double-date.

So that’s where I am. Sitting in a coffee shop, blahgging, actively encouraging inspiration, hoping that I can find talent by drinking from this glowing latte mug…

glowing_cups
I want more mornings like this.

[i want more time here.]

before this beautiful storm.

Tomorrow Evan has day one of his 4.5 years of nursing school. Tuesday I start my last year, my thesis year, of my filmmaking masters degree.

We’ll both be working at our jobs as well.

Phew.

I am trying to brace myself for many things:

• Our apartment never being tolerably clean.

• Getting so exhaustedly short with Evan.

• Feeling insanely guilty for how short I get.

• Low bank accounts and high stress.

• Pita chips for lunches.

• Enough Annie’s Shells and Cheese for dinner for me to get tired of Annie’s Shells and Cheese. (which is a TON.)

• Missing amazing friends and awesome events for more computer screen time.

• Going to bed by myself. Missing Evan. Missing us. All while we’re living together.

A bit ago, I had a rough time where Evan didn’t have words of advice. It was a shitty situation, we both knew it, and I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. Evan just looked at me and said something that has become our mantra…

– I love you and you love me.

It rang true. It made everything clear. Everything lighter. When things are going to be undeniably hard, it’s what we remember. It’s what he says to me. What I say to him…

– I love you and you love me.

When he made the decision to go back to school, I’ve never been more proud of Evan. I keep telling him that he owes it to the universe to be a nurse. It’s his calling.

So, even though I’m terrified of this next year, I’m beyond excited for our future. And I rest in the love. In our mantra. While we eat salads in the backyard the night before the craziness. The calm before this beautiful storm…

the_calm

iloveyouandyouloveme.

…hooray.

wonderland texas_rain golf_fun backyard_basil basiling matchy_matchy bf_of_the_year_award emersons_attention the_boys stevens_sibs ry_snowcone deep_eddys_girls evan_darling grafitti_kiss
“heaps” is the answer
to how much I miss Texas.
but my heart is here…

my_heart_is_here
Listening to this all night and playing cards with my love made this night such wondrous affirmation.

I will always be proud of, and grateful for, where I came from.

And I will continue to be proud of where I am and who I’ve become.

Which is the girl who just wants to read this book over and over.

And refuses to be embarrassed about how much she wants to be Ira Glass.

I want to swim every. single. day.

I want to keep pretending and preparing for the conversation BJ Novak and I will have about how spot-on his book is and how we’re obviously bff.

And I will keep being unabashedly in love with this brilliant song/video:

It makes me want to quit everything and make music videos. Create and direct. Strong work. Strong.

Thank you, Ashely, for continually inspiring.

Let’s here it for Wednesday evenings back from vacation.

[hip-hip…]